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Monday, 6 February 2012

Zombies and how to ensure they don't munch on your ankles........

Well, I’m fairly sure I’m prepared for a zombie apocalypse.  It goes like this –

1.   Don’t let them bite you. If they do, kill yourself – trust me, it’ll be better that what comes next.

2. The best way to kill a zombie – shoot them in the head...or behead them.  Basically losing the head works – anything else, not so much.  

3. Don’t look at them like they’re still people; they’re not, they’re flesh eating dead people and they want your brains.  Going “aww, but its great Aunt Gladys” won’t help you when she’s gnawing on your elbow.  

4. Find a place to hole up for about five-six years; that way they’ll have eaten most of the animals, and the people too dumb to hide, and finally rotted into the ground and it’ll be safe to come out.  Let’s face it, it’s not like you have to worry about zombies making babies, right?

5. Make sure you have plenty of food and fuel; there’s no point going scavenging when you run out because that’s when you get eaten – don’t come running to me when the zombie hordes have chewed off your legs.

So if any local councils, government departments, etc want to use these pointers to send to those strange people who write and ask, under the freedom of information act, what plans they have in place for a zombie apocalypse please feel free to use these as a starting point; but by all means add your addendums like “we go before the women and children” on the evacuation report.

As for me I have to admit that perhaps I have been watching one too many zombie tv shows and zombie movies just recently.  Mind you, as the Mayans believe that this 21st December is the day the world ends then maybe I should print this out and pin it on my fridge......just in case.  Who’s to say a zombie apocalypse isn’t the way we’re going to go out, right?  I mean let’s face it, if the movie ‘2012’ is to be believed then a zombie apocalypse is the only thing that’s not going to happen to us.

On the same subject, sort of; I feel we’re transitioning between the recent addiction to all things vampire (shiny or otherwise) and into all things zombified.  Not sure why, perhaps we’re just vamped out for now.  Let’s face it twinkly vampires are coming to the end of their run in the Twilight zone (though I won’t be sorry to see the last of the tween twihards (and yes, those are real words) that write “bite me” on their faces before leering menacingly at poor old Robert Patterson et al.   

Of course then you have the ‘so bad they’re good’ vampires in True Blood; but I think there’s only so much sex, violence and blood you can take before you start to feel a little nauseous.  After four seasons of the above I really feel I need a sick bucket and mouthwash beside me before I start watching any more of that particular show.

Zombies work better anyway; easier to spot and easier to kill – lumbering dead person that can’t run (they just shuffle quickly) and that have no real functioning brain is not exactly a threat so long as they don’t get their teeth into you. Not having a working brain is probably the reason they want to eat yours – shame the scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz didn’t do that to Dorothy.  We’d have been spared a toe-curlingly awful film that get’s trotted out each Christmas, Easter and every national holiday inbetween.  (Sorry Judy Garland fans).

Having said that, I think zombies can be tricksy even though they’re brain dead morons.  Because they shuffle they tend to creep up on people, or suddenly burst out of cupboards they’ve been standing in – though that does bother me; I mean if you were a zombie and you needed brains why would you stand in a cupboard on the off-chance some unsuspecting live person with a juicy brain might wander by?   

Still, moving on; the other thing I’ve noticed in recent shows like The Walking Dead is that they herd – seriously, they’re like living dead wildebeest shuffling down the great American Highway.....though so long as I’ve got me a Darryl Dixon (see The Walking Dead) I will be a happy girl.  (Side note: Norman Reedus, as always, rocks – he was at his best though in the Boondock Saints 2.  I really hope to God they make a BS3 one day).

Yeah, I know what you’re going to say and I will find something else to watch I swear.  Lost Girl looks good; the Fae are in it – no vamps, no zombies (so far) so I’m safe.  Plus it’s got a cute Wolf man in it – Dyson; Chris Holden Reid.  Makes me chuckle every time someone says his name though because I always think of the vacuum cleaner of the same name, and wait to see if he’ll run round hoovering up all the crumbs with his mouth (anything for that scooby snack) know, I really have to get out more.

This is Simi; thanks for reading.

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