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Saturday, 4 February 2012

Family, dogs and Groomers who take it too far......

So yesterday I was telling you all about how I was making notes of shortcuts that we ‘semi groomers’ (or ‘beauty slobs’ to the rest of the world) take to ensure we look....well, okay ( if not ‘good’) with the least amount of effort.

My reason, and the reason of so many of my sister Semi’s is that we’re nearly all married with kids.  In my case I have a 14 year old daughter (who thinks she's 30), a 51 year old husband with a bad back (who thinks he's never ends well), a big dog – he’s a GSD/ Akita mix, who's scared of...well, everything actually; and a cat who thinks he's a man eating lion (again, it never ends well as he has all the stealth and dexterity of a pirouetting elephant on speed).

I have rescued pond fish who truly believe they're a school of piranha – feeding time is fun; inlaws who believe they're royalty and my own father who can't open his mouth without lying (seriously, if he said the grass was green I'd go check). So mostly I just manage to slop on a bit of slap to see the inlaws (my father in law believes a woman with no make up is a slob, and I do hate proving him right) and go and face the world with the middle finger of right hand firmly extended into the ‘up’ position. I can't remember the last time I wore a skirt because then I'd have to shave my legs more often...or let everyone believe I'm a yeti.  

Perhaps I should start a 'semi groomer'/'beauty slob' support group for others like me?  We could swap horror stories about our families latest antics that stopped us from plucking our eyebrows so now we resemble a Neanderthal throw back; or we didn’t shave our legs in the shower because teen daughter who suddenly remembered she had to be at school early, which was ten minutes ago and so you had to vacate immediately – now meaning you resemble a gorilla in the armpit department.

Just today I had to separate my daughter and husband as they were daring each other to do wheelies on the back of my wheelchair (I was scared they'd tip me out when it bounced back onto 4 wheels; it wouldn't be the first time I've nearly been tipped out - that never gets old.....for them anyway). Oh and apparently the dog's convinced himself the car's back seat is apparently haunted and keep's trying to get in the front; a fantastic idea when we're driving along.  Until I can manhandle him back into the rear seat - he spend his time trembling yodelling and looking out the windscreen; I spend it with a face full of dog butt. Bearing all this in mind, I can't really see my beauty regime getting any better from what it is right now.

Having said that I read another article about these women in the US (from some show called “The Real Houswives of [insert place]” I can’t remember where and apparently there’s more than one area featured) who shave their......ahem....nether regions (wink, wink) and then stick dyed animal fur or colourful feathers down there to “entice men to their beds”.

Ooookay; but, I have to ask (stupid question or not) why shave off your own ‘fur’ and stick something else’s down there – or, much worse, feathers?!  Another question – how would you entice said man with these ‘additions’; lift your skirt to anyone you fancy?  Let’s face it; it would have to be skirts because I couldn’t imagine trousers, jeans or – God forbid – leggings being comfortable with a rabbit skin and half a pigeon stuck down there. 

Finally, what happens when you shower?  Obviously you don’t use superglue, so do they fall off?  Or do you stick them on with blue tack and a prayer?  Does duct tape really work with everything?  What about after the shower, and assuming they’ve survived; do you blow dry or dry au natural?  What if you’re married and haven’t told your husband and then you two get ‘busy’?  He might have a heart attack when he discovers a few ostrich feathers where the sun doesn’t shine; or a small squirrel skin nestling where they certainly don’t hide their nuts.

Needless to say this idea conjures dark and scary images that gave me nightmares; I had visions of these weird ‘housewives’ doing the can-can to any man they fancied to ‘entice’ them; or calling 911 to help a partner about to expire from shock.  This is certainly one ‘beauty treatment’ I won’t be carrying out......ever.

This is Simi; thanks for reading.

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